Adventures By Design

In which the travelers encounter lederhosen, opium, and giraffe women

Today we got up bright and early at 6am so that we could have a quick breakfast before we got picked up for a 14 hour-long day trip. The usually smiley staff at our hotel seemed grumpy this morning, we figure it was just the early hour.

Our tour guide, Irene, and driver Mr. Nui picked us up and we drove across town to pick up four other people. At our first stop a man and a woman joined us. The woman had a free-flowing cotton tunic and the slightly leathery skin of a seasoned sun-worshiper; she reminded Ric a little of his mom. While physically nondescript, the man was exceptional for his ability to speak. Somehow he had mastered a Kenny G-like circular breathing technique that allowed him to speak incessantly, without ever having to pause for breath. The two final members of our party were a pair of marginally-boisterous German men. These two had the stereotypical German belly laugh, startling us and making us giggle; it was unavoidable: with a laugh like that, we knew beer steins and lederhosen weren’t far off.

Driving was something of an exercise in self-hypnosis to stop from screaming every time a near-death occurred. Our driver had places to go and people see, and he figured that the best way to do both was to drive as fast as humanly possible, if not slightly faster. Despite the fact that the road was clearly marked for only two lanes, we routinely found ourselves straddling the center line where we encouraged the other cars on either side to make way for us. Every time we came up behind a slightly slower vehicle, be it motorcycle or propane tanker, we would continue at top speed until within inches, then slam on the brakes, and tailgate them at 120 km/h until they moved over to let us pass.

As if driving weren’t dangerous enough already, Thailand had another surprise for us. Today was the unofficial start of Thailand’s water festival, Songkran. Officially beginning on Sunday, this festival ushers in the new year, and what better way to celebrate another year than a country-wide water fight! Sales of buckets, water guns, and towels are brisk as the country prepares itself for ultimate soakage. Throughout the day as our minibus made its way down the highway, throngs of kids would suddenly appear on the side of the road and ambush us with an assault of water. We were casually watching the world pass by outside our window when wham! three liters of water smashed against our windscreen at 120 km/h. It wasn’t as bad for us, though, as for the kids’ ultimate target: open-backed pick-up trucks full of sitting-duck passengers.

A part of our day trip involved going to the “Golden Triangle.” This is where Thailand, Laos, and Burma meet. On a clear day you an also see China, making it quite an international place. In the past, this was also where opium and heroin were traded. We saw signs to a tourist destination called “The Opium Hall,” but alas our tour didn’t go there so we can’t tell you if they give out free samples like vineyards do. However, our tour did go to Laos, where we turned down a free sample of snake liquor, which comes in a bottle with a pickled snake and/or scorpion in it… pretty powerful stuff apparently, but we’re not sure how they get the snake into the bottle?

Also in Laos, Gin was accosted by a small group of friendly Laotian women who were flabbergasted by the whiteness of her skin. They were exclaiming, showing each other, comparing them own arms to hers, and of course grabbing at her to see if it really is possible to be that pasty, or if it was some kind of trick. Nope, it’s not a trick, folks; I have really got to work on my a tan!

The final leg of our day trip was visiting a tribe of folks called the Karen. You may have seen photos of these people: the women wear brass rings on their necks, making their necks look unnaturally long. Contrary to popular belief, the rings (coils, actually) don’t elongate or dislocate the vertebrae; the coils sit on the upper ribs, compressing and pushing them down, and thus the illusion is that their necks are longer. Usually the ribs stick out horizontally from the spine, but as the weight of the coil is added, the ribs of these women gradually move from horizontal to fold down like an upside-down ‘V’. Because the ribs are connected to the spine with a hinge joint, this doesn’t actually damage their bodies as much as you might think, and if the weight is ever taken off, their ribs will slowly return to normal. The whole anatomy of it is a little confusing and we’ll need to see a diagram to figure out what happens to their collarbones.

We drove up an eroded dirt road until we arrived at a soulless tourist trap. Visiting these women was a strange experience. Firstly, the village consisted almost entirely of women and children. The men we were told were back in Burma unable join their families in Thailand. On one hand the people receive money from the tour groups that visit them, and they sell their products, thus bringing in valuable income for their families (some of whom lived in Burma, and were dependent on the money). On the other hand, the whole affair felt very exploitative. Although all the tour guides in the village were expounding on how happy these women are, and how much they love visitors and having their photos taken, we felt a little like spectators at a zoo, where the animals desperately wish they could escape.